You Googled, We Answered

August 16, 2013
Sometimes the phrases people search that lead to my blog humor me. Sometimes it’s funny that the phrase got them to my blog in some way, but more often than not, it’s funny that someone flat out searched that phrase.

Below are some of my recent favorite searches that lead people here. If I could contact these people and answer their questions, I would – maybe they’ll come back. Maybe you searched one of these phrases – welcome, I’m here to help.

During my drive from Virginia to Michigan, I compiled my favorites and answered or responded to them. To keep the driver, a Marine, awake, I asked for his perspective. Enjoy

Phrase searched: how to survive a deployment
Chelsea’s answer: I’m not sure if you’re the deployed or the person in the United States not in harm’s way. If you’re deployed, keep your head down, use the skills you’ve been taught and don’t be stupid. If you’re the significant other that is Stateside—carry on with your life, you’ll be just fine.

I wrote about this last year: "how do you survive during deployment"

Phrase searched: baby coming out of vagina
Chelsea’s answer: Seriously? Not here, bro.

Phrase searched: can I leave deployment early to go to a wedding.          
Chelsea’s answer: Dude, seriously? No.
A Marine’s answer: No, dumbass.

Phrase searched: why do military wives have so many kids
Chelsea’s answer: I don’t have a nice way to answer this, but I only have one child, a college degree and a career. We also use protection. I'm going to stop typing before this goes bad.

A Marine’s answer: Who said they do?

Phrase searched: boyfriend is deployed haven’t talked to him in 4 days why
Chelsea’s answer: Maybe it’s your lack of proper sentence structure or grammar? If it’s not that, maybe it’s because he is doing his job, protecting the USA, your freedom and oh… he’s deployed. Thank goodness you didn’t have to survive a deployment before Skype, Facebook & the Internet ruled the world. In 2007 {not really that long ago}, I would get a phone call a month, if I was lucky, and we would get disconnected several times. The phone call was more frustrating than waiting for the call.

Do you want me to call you a wambulance?

A Marine’s answer: There are two reasons why you haven’t talked to your boyfriend in 4 days.
1.     He is 8,000 feet into the mountains of Afghanistan. It might be a sunny warm day where you are, but it’s probably snowing where he is. In the 4 days you haven’t talked to him, he hasn’t taken a shower or shaved. You probably wouldn’t recognize him right now with ¼ inch thick dirt covering his face and body and the scruff on his face, hiding that clean-cut soldier you once knew. He doesn’t have a cell phone or a satellite phone. He has an encrypted radio, that on a good day only reaches out six miles. So, unless you’re on the hillside with a $50,000 radio filled with the right crypto of the month, then you’re not going to talk to him for a few more weeks.

2.     He’s getting pretty comfortable on Camp Cupcake and he was actually going to call you two days ago, but with the time difference a good time to call you also fell on Salsa Night. Instead of calling you, he was dancing with the 19 year old PFC that just showed up. She also has a significant other. But he doesn’t like salsa dancing and your boyfriend does. Bow chikka wow wow.

Phrase searched: do people just party on deployment
Chelsea’s answer: Where the shit do you think they are partying? Oh, you're dating a Seaman? They are partying on shore, and shouldn't be, and they're the ones getting caught in hotels with hookers because they didn't bring enough money and need their officer to bail them out. Don't worry, I won't name names.

A Marine’s answer: Yeah, asshole. We’re at the Kandahar Hotel every night for happy hour. Lucky for us, they have a gun check instead of a coat check, because you know proper protocol is to not carry a weapon when you’re at happy  hour. They made that rule after karaoke night, when Houston (not his real name, probably from Pittsburgh) was signing living on a prayer and did a celebratory volley of gunfire into the roof.

Not sure what kind of partying you think we’re doing. Oh wait, go back to Salsa Night on Fridays above at Camp Cupcake. Cheers.

Phrase searched: how to find a marine husband
Chelsea’s answer: Not a wonderful man... just a Marine. That's your only requirement? Why? Because you heard they're rich? They're not. Because they're never home? They're not. 

A Marine’s answer:  Remember this date: November 10, 1775. This is the Marine Corps birthday and it’s celebrated every year, around the world. From the US Embassy in Moscow, Russia to Camp Pendleton, California, this is the party of the year.

If you’re looking for a husband. Start looking between October 15 and November 9. There will be a platoon-size element of desperate PFC’s and LCpls looking for a last minute date. Keep in mind, there is going to be a lot of competition out there, so you need to be the easiest, sluttiest, skankiest, desperate piece of yeti walking trash in Yucca Valley. Bonus points for posting an ad on Craigslist.

Don’t be afraid to put on that cheetah print cocktail dress only sold in New Jersey {what up, Jerseylicious cast? Big fan!} and enjoy that E3 pay for the next couple of years until he is forced out and you have ten kids with no marketable skill to provide the world.

You may want to refer to last year's post "don't look like an escort at the Marine Corps Ball"

Phrase searched: my husband is a marine 
Chelsea’s answer: Ok…? So what the hell are you searching?

Phrase searched: can you live with someone deployed
Chelsea’s answer: Yup, go pitch a tent next to them in Afghanistan. Don't forget your iPad charger.

A Marine’s answer: Yes. You also need to be an active-duty soldier (because you know Marines don’t do this shit), be in the same unit as said spouse & deploy at the exact same time. This really happens.

The good news for you is that you will live in a tiny metal trailer on Camp Cupcake, and every night you will sleep with your spouse on a couple of twin mattress pushed together. Your morale will be through the roof, and don’t let that ever make you feel bad for the hundreds of other deployed service members that won’t see their family members for 6 months to a year.

Well, that was fun and got us through part of Pennsylvania. Hope you have all the answers to everything you've ever wondered. I'll check back soon and hope to have a lot more amazing questions to answer. 


  1. omg, I'm bookmarking this so that I can read it whenever I'm having a crappy day...now I'm going to have go search my phrases...although being married to an Airmen will be far more boring then the being married to a marine (see phrase searched 7), LOL

  2. That was hysterical! Loved your answers! Visiting from the SITS Sharefest and very glad I did. Sitting here laughing!