what is this feeling?

April 05, 2012
Recently, I posted 5 reasons why Brady will be an only child, so you might want to read that before you continue reading- I don't want to repeat myself.
I love children and I really love Brady. I am an only child and have always said my child(ren) will have siblings, but life has dealt me different cards. Of course we can still have more children, but I'm not sure if we will.
Lately, it seems as if everyone on Facebook and out in public are pregnant or have newborns. Newborns aren't fun, but they sure are cute and cuddly and nice to hold. I love seeing the glowing new parents and even the frustrated ones, because it takes me back and I start thinking of when Brady was a newborn.
I don't know if it's guilt that I'm feeling or what to call it, but every time I see a baby or someone with multiple kids, it makes me feel sad that we aren't going to have more. My ovaries aren't hurting and even if we did have more we weren't planning on trying until June, but it's just an overwhelming feeling that comes over me. A lot of my friends are talking about getting pregnant or when they are going to start trying again and some of our friends have even made me feel bad for not planning on having more, even after telling them all of our reasons. I know it's our choice and no one else's, but it really has me thinking.
Even when I was pregnant and I saw someone else pregnant I got a weird feeling, almost like jealousy, but I never understood why because I was pregnant too! I get this feeling about things I already have, so why am I not satisfied with what I have?
I don't know what this feeling is or when it will pass and if I will act on it, but I'm sick of getting mad or sad or weird feelings when I see people with their newborns or multiple children. Even yesterday when I went to the grocery store and saw people shopping with their kids, I felt bad that I didn't have Brady with me. Why the heck was I jealous of someone shopping with their kid? I love shopping without him haha!
What do I do now? Yesterday I decided that in a couple of weeks Brady is going to start going to daycare on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. He will be home with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I work from home and I have a very busy schedule, that's why Brady is in daycare, but I can't help but feel weird that I'm home all day and he isn't here.
Yes I work from home, but I also don't leave my office unless I'm eating lunch or going to the bathroom. I'm going to work harder and more efficient on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays so that I can spend a lot of time with Brady on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I wish I could have him home every day, but I know that after a while my work might suffer and I might start to lose my mind.
My other reasoning and strong belief for having Brady in daycare is so that he has interaction with other children. His BFF, Logan, goes to the same daycare and children learn a lot of fundamentals and important life lessons at daycare, like sharing. I've met far too many children who have stayed at home with their parents for the first 3-5 years or even home-schooled and they have seriously all been spoiled, selfish BRATS. I will not homeschool Brady. I believe children need instruction and interaction from people other than their parents. Home-schooled children honestly seem to turn out weird and their parent is their best friend, while that sounds cute, it's not normal. I do not disagree with people homeschooling their children, but it's not something I will do.
Anyways, I'm really excited that I will not be missing as much of Brady's life as I have been, only seeing him 3-4 hours a day (how sad). I am going to make a schedule that will work for Brady and my job, it will be structured like daycare and preschool, so that he still has structure during the week at home.

I'm taking advantage of working from home as long as I can (not my choice) and having Brady by my side. So for now, one child, two dogs and as much time as possible pretending Brady won't grow up!


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