Widgets

An Ongoing Struggle

March 14, 2012
Contrary to popular belief, not everyone struggles with their weight. I won't be featured on 'My 600 Pound Life,' but I struggle--whether you think I do, or not. Which brings me to a good point: when you give someone your opinion about their weight- they don't believe you or necessarily want to hear it, UNLESS they've lost a significant amount of weight, they are flaunting it and you know they are happy- THEN you can acknowledge it.

We all know society doesn't help us with the way we feel and the way we think we are supposed to look and feel. Weight isn't just about other people's opinions, it's about the way you physically feel, the way you look in clothes, the way you look naked, the way you look in the mirror, the way it FEELS to weigh what you weigh, the way it feels to be in clothes, the way it feels to not be in clothes. It's about what feels good to you.


No matter how much or how little I weigh, it's always on my mind, whether it's looking in the mirror or if I physically feel comfortable or not.

I thought I was fat in high school. Ok, I didn't think I had a problem or needed to lose weight, but I wouldn't have been mad if I was a little more toned, had a smaller butt, hips and thighs. I danced for 16 years and still had some fat on my body. Everyone's body is different. My body wasn't ever stick thin and i knew it never would be, but I sure tried.
Prom 2003

In college, I gained weight. I stopped dancing, I rarely worked out. I ate, I went to class and I drank. The weight snuck up on me. This was the first time I had ever really gained weight and noticed it and hated myself for it. I was massive (for me). Looking back on pictures is painful, it's not even funny.

ugh

short hair didn't help
Travis' hand over love handles, photo taken from above and far away. 

Holy crap, are you serious?
I love and miss you, Josh.


One summer, my roommates went home for the summer, I stayed at school to take summer classes and work. I think I had two jobs at one point. I was never home. I spent all day in class or at work and I remember r telling my roommate all I ate that summer were Triscuits, with a large side of Gatorade. I worked out, but not regularly since I was always so busy. I met some awesome people that summer. I worked with Kate and Scotty and met some great people through them- we played sand volleyball almost every day. If we weren't playing volleyball, we were tubing down the Chippewa River (hello swimsuits). If we weren't doing those things, Kate and I were playing tennis. I must've started losing weight before that summer, there's no way I would have been seen the way I looked. I gained a lot freshman year and must've started losing it sophomore year and looking really good Junior year. Whatever year it was (so long ago) I just remember that I lost 45 pounds that summer. I told you I was a fatass. I probably have years all mixed up right now, but here are some photos.

I also liked to tan

21st Birthday

my average size

this was probably my thinnest
i've always had that line- it's not a roll. it's super weird


2007 came and Travis deployed to Iraq, it was my senior year of college and I was planning our wedding. I put on a little bit of weight, but to what I would call my normal weight- it's what I seemed to always fluctuate around. I didn't work out hard-core before my wedding, like most people. I was more concerned with worrying about Travis and doing well in school. Hell, I could've planned my wedding a lot better. Well, I planned it well, but looking back, I would've had different flowers, more decorations and etc... but I was also being SUPER cost efficient. Who cares about the details, I got married to the love of my life. Plus, all you could see were my face and arms at my wedding, though I should've toned my arms more.
October 2007

2006 or 2007








After college I continued to weigh about what I did at my wedding. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
May 2010 I became pregnant with Brady. I knew my body was doomed. I was comfortable with gaining weight, that's what happens during a healthy pregnancy. Long story short, I gained 70 pounds. You read it, 70 pounds. I became swollen around 4 months of pregnancy and continued to swell and swell and swell and gain weight. It's estimated that I was holding 35 pounds of water. I was miserable- you can read about my pregnancy in past posts. Flare jeans looked like skinny jeans. Everyone was convinced I was having twins. I had to wear flip flops from the time I was 5 months pregnant because my feet were so swollen. I could not fit socks on my feet towards the end of my pregnancy. It hurt to type because my wrists were swollen. I ate well. I didn't eat super healthy, but I didn't eat a lot of garbage. I work at a Restaurant Headquarters centered between two of our restaurants and I get a 50% discount- yes, I ate out a lot. I prefer to have fresh air and see daylight during the day instead of being stuck inside all day. That was my choice and I knew it wouldn't help my weight gain.


I was mortified to have my maternity photos done. I could have had them shot in ways that weren't as revealing or had them done a lot sooner, but Travis was never home, so by the time he was home and I was massive, it was time for photos. I know everyone talked shit about them just like I judge other peoples' photos.

Everyone is on Jessica Simpson for her yo-yo weight and pregnancy. Leave the poor girl alone. It's terrible being fat and not being a celebrity, let her damn baby grow. No one said she's going to stay that size after the baby. I look just like Jessica Simpson pregnant- it effing sucked and it felt terrible.

i don't like this photo but it shows my massiveness
I did not eat my way to being a fat, pregnant woman. People gain differently. I can't help that I was a sponge. Your words, thoughts and looks really hurt me.

So, beautiful, baby Brady was born. I swelled up more after I had him, so much that the pants I wore to the hospital didn't fit until he was 4 days old. I couldn't bend my knees or sit 'Indian' style. Water loves me.

I was worried about losing the weight since I had a C-section and was not allowed to do any physical activity until Brady was 8 weeks old, might have even been 10 weeks, I can't remember. I was so excited to be cleared to work out, but I never got back into it. My husband deployed when Brady was 3 weeks old so I was in California raising our son, alone. Seriously, alone. The closest relative was 2,500 miles away in Michigan. Needless to say, I didn't have time to work out. Breastfeeding and eating well helped the weight come off. I typically never had dinner and if I did, it was small.

I went back to work when Brady was 14 weeks old. Bring on the burritos and tacos again. I started working out a little bit, but I was still breastfeeding so that was burning a lot of calories.

Brady turned 7 months old the day after Travis came home. I started eating dinner again-it would be weird to cook dinner and not eat it, plus I was hungry. When Brady was 9 months old he got a pretty bad cold, so bad that he couldn't have milk or formula- a week and a half later, he had weaned himself from the boob. Being at daycare most of the day he had a bottle anyways, but I got lazy and stopped pumping when he was sick and he weaned himself. The kid had 8 teeth at that point anyways- it was getting awkward. Yes, I wanted to make it to a year, but the bigger he got and the more teeth he got, it was starting to get awkward, plus he's a wiggle worm. End breastfeeding. Begin weight gain. Eating the same, but not burning 2,000+ calories per day and eating dinner will do it to you.
6 months
that's not a roll haha my dress is poofed
Brady's first easter 
December 2011

About 4 months later, here I am. Miserable. The stress of the move, knowing I won't have my job at Rubio's forever, the 25 day road trip where we didn't eat the best and everything else that comes along with my stress really killed my body. I'm eating better and trying to work out every day while being patient and waiting for results. I hate going in public. I don't want to see people we know. I don't want to hang out with people we know. I don't want to meet new people. Being fat is uncomfortable physically and mentally. I avoid photos- I've never avoided photos. I hate getting dressed, nothing fits right. I'm not going shopping for new clothes, that's a waste of money and I don't want to buy bigger clothes. I have to be patient and wait for results.
Brady's birthday party. I had bad anxiety being there with everyone looking at me, especially at his baptism
I feel like I have to justify everything I do. I know there are people out there saying "she let herself go after she had Brady" no, i didn't i lost it all, then some shit happened and gained it back. "she is the biggest she' ever been" I'm aware of that and not happy about it, so maybe I'm writing this to shut you up even though at the end of this post, I'll still be big.


I don't want comments. I don't want "you look great" blah blah blah. I know you're lying, you know you're lying. Nothing needs to be said. Just think about things before you start judging people. You're the one who says "you look great" or some other stupid comment then you go and text or message someone and talk a bunch of shit. I know you do it, you're not the only one. Whatever makes you feel better. It doesn't make you a better person and it doesn't make you look better.
disgusting
"her fashion sense is terrible" Actually, I have an amazing sense of fashion and I love shopping. When you're big, you can't dress very cute. You want to cover everything up. You want to hide in hoodies and yoga pants. I have the cutest clothes in my closet, but I don't think a bigger person should wear tight clothes that show flaws.
road trip. feeling miserable
Yes, I know there are people bigger than me. Yes, I know that everyone is beautiful in all shapes and sizes, but I am not in the normal Chelsea size. Let me bitch, let me lose weight. Let me explain myself. I'm not making excuses, I'm giving you the back story so you can shut the hell up. I'm sick of the skinny chicks who know they are perfect talking about how they love people in all shapes and sizes or other bullshit along those lines when they've personally talked shit to me about fat people and people's maternity photos.

We're all grown adults now, consider other peoples' feelings and focus your energy on improving your life.

6 comments:

  1. You wrote this really well & we all know everyone talks shit about people & how they look.

    I honestly felt like I was reading something I wrote with that same timeline. I gained so much weight after high school (45 lbs) and I felt/was so disgusting. I know where you're coming from, from a certain point.

    I feel bad for JS. She is beautiful with or without the extra weight. I just don't like that she talks about the crap she eats, but that's her business.

    Anyways...I was a dancer too & I have massive thighs/hips. No matter how much weight I lost I still had them and I always will. Boo!

    I hope you start to feel better & you see results soon! you are beautiful (whether you want to hear it or not!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should have wrote "dear loni" at the top of this because I feel like it is directed at me big time.

    I thought it was crazy that Jessica Simpson was airbrushed so heavily on the cover of elle. That just goes to show was "society" thinks is beautiful. Her talking about the crap she eats is what made me say something about her. If you don't want people thinking you let yourself get unhealthy and eat whatever you want because youre pregnant dont talk about eating buttered poptarts and captain crunch.

    I don't think you let yourself go, you are beautiful and dress better than anyone I know. But I know what it's like to feel uncomfortable in your skin. I grew up with my anorexic mom telling me I was too fat to fit in her clothes. You have to just get to the weight that you are comfortable in and that makes you happy.

    The part at the bottom was obviously directed at me as well, well....I do love people of all shapes and sizes and as long as those people are comfortable, healthy and love themselves who cares. I have had you talk shit about people to me as well so i guess it goes both ways. oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I loved this post. I loved the honesty and I can relate to your views on so many levels. I may not have had a baby yet, but weight is something I constantly struggle with when it comes to feeling good about myself and being happy. And when you're not happy where you are at whether it be physically or emotionally- or BOTH, having someone tell you "Oh you look great,shut up, eat a cake, blah blah blah" doesn't help. You didn't see me jump 20 times this morning just to fit into my "heavy" jeans. You didn't see me split my jeans stretching them out (which by the way was probably THE MOST embarassing thing I ever did in front of my boyfriend.I initially lied and said I had torn my belt loop... but later fessed up as I was throwing them out.

    When I went through my divorce, I lost about 20 lbs, and was a stick. I was actually pretty happy at that weight and wish I still were. The reality is that it wasn't healthy being that thin, and my emotional state was also obviously unhealthy. I long for the day I feel comfortable in my own skin, and am happy with my weight/body.I'm hoping it's just around the corner. God knows I try everyday to accept what I've been given and have the best attitude. Some days,weeks,months,years are just harder than others..

    I've really enjoyed catching up on your blog, reading about your pregnancy with Brady, and the day to day life and struggles you go through. It's nice to read something and be able to relate with what they're saying. We don't share many if any similarities in our day to day lives like we may have when I was married and a step mom, but I have the same feelings and it's nice to know that it's not just you going through the struggles. And btw, I think you looked beautiful while you were pregnant, before, and after. You have one handsome, healthy, happy baby as proof.

    I am terrified posting this as I feel you'll be editing it... I tried to only use apostrophes where I KNEW they belonged. And if I wasn't sure- I chose another word.:)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks for sharing... things for me to consider for sure as we walk through the decision to have kids or wait next 2 years. I say "our" decision but as you surely know, it's the woman's body that pays the price. I know you don't want to hear it but I think you look totally normal in your pregnancy photos. I can understand though how since that was not your normal before, you feel very uncomfortable. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Girl you need to shuuuuut up! I can't really say too much because I'm exactly the same way about my body, but I would KILL to have been that small (weight wise) when I was pregnant! And wtf you look like you MIGHT be 120lbs PP. Kiss my ass, really! Your bump was GORGEOUS and your pictures are great. You should feel awesome that you stretched your body to create a life inside of you. You and your baby are beautiful. :)You can think I'm lying all you want, but I don't know you I have no reason to lie to a perfect stranger!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Girl you look great!

    I live in Virginia beach as well so if you'd like to get together and walk I'd love too (although I read your post about not having very many military wives as friends)!

    ReplyDelete