We all know society doesn't help us with the way we feel and the way we think we are supposed to look and feel. Weight isn't just about other people's opinions, it's about the way you physically feel, the way you look in clothes, the way you look naked, the way you look in the mirror, the way it FEELS to weigh what you weigh, the way it feels to be in clothes, the way it feels to not be in clothes. It's about what feels good to you.
No matter how much or how little I weigh, it's always on my mind, whether it's looking in the mirror or if I physically feel comfortable or not.
I thought I was fat in high school. Ok, I didn't think I had a problem or needed to lose weight, but I wouldn't have been mad if I was a little more toned, had a smaller butt, hips and thighs. I danced for 16 years and still had some fat on my body. Everyone's body is different. My body wasn't ever stick thin and i knew it never would be, but I sure tried.
In college, I gained weight. I stopped dancing, I rarely worked out. I ate, I went to class and I drank. The weight snuck up on me. This was the first time I had ever really gained weight and noticed it and hated myself for it. I was massive (for me). Looking back on pictures is painful, it's not even funny.
|short hair didn't help|
|Travis' hand over love handles, photo taken from above and far away.|
|Holy crap, are you serious?|
|I love and miss you, Josh.|
One summer, my roommates went home for the summer, I stayed at school to take summer classes and work. I think I had two jobs at one point. I was never home. I spent all day in class or at work and I remember r telling my roommate all I ate that summer were Triscuits, with a large side of Gatorade. I worked out, but not regularly since I was always so busy. I met some awesome people that summer. I worked with Kate and Scotty and met some great people through them- we played sand volleyball almost every day. If we weren't playing volleyball, we were tubing down the Chippewa River (hello swimsuits). If we weren't doing those things, Kate and I were playing tennis. I must've started losing weight before that summer, there's no way I would have been seen the way I looked. I gained a lot freshman year and must've started losing it sophomore year and looking really good Junior year. Whatever year it was (so long ago) I just remember that I lost 45 pounds that summer. I told you I was a fatass. I probably have years all mixed up right now, but here are some photos.
|I also liked to tan|
|my average size|
|this was probably my thinnest|
|i've always had that line- it's not a roll. it's super weird|
2007 came and Travis deployed to Iraq, it was my senior year of college and I was planning our wedding. I put on a little bit of weight, but to what I would call my normal weight- it's what I seemed to always fluctuate around. I didn't work out hard-core before my wedding, like most people. I was more concerned with worrying about Travis and doing well in school. Hell, I could've planned my wedding a lot better. Well, I planned it well, but looking back, I would've had different flowers, more decorations and etc... but I was also being SUPER cost efficient. Who cares about the details, I got married to the love of my life. Plus, all you could see were my face and arms at my wedding, though I should've toned my arms more.
|2006 or 2007|
After college I continued to weigh about what I did at my wedding. Sometimes more, sometimes less.
May 2010 I became pregnant with Brady. I knew my body was doomed. I was comfortable with gaining weight, that's what happens during a healthy pregnancy. Long story short, I gained 70 pounds. You read it, 70 pounds. I became swollen around 4 months of pregnancy and continued to swell and swell and swell and gain weight. It's estimated that I was holding 35 pounds of water. I was miserable- you can read about my pregnancy in past posts. Flare jeans looked like skinny jeans. Everyone was convinced I was having twins. I had to wear flip flops from the time I was 5 months pregnant because my feet were so swollen. I could not fit socks on my feet towards the end of my pregnancy. It hurt to type because my wrists were swollen. I ate well. I didn't eat super healthy, but I didn't eat a lot of garbage. I work at a Restaurant Headquarters centered between two of our restaurants and I get a 50% discount- yes, I ate out a lot. I prefer to have fresh air and see daylight during the day instead of being stuck inside all day. That was my choice and I knew it wouldn't help my weight gain.
I was mortified to have my maternity photos done. I could have had them shot in ways that weren't as revealing or had them done a lot sooner, but Travis was never home, so by the time he was home and I was massive, it was time for photos. I know everyone talked shit about them just like I judge other peoples' photos.
Everyone is on Jessica Simpson for her yo-yo weight and pregnancy. Leave the poor girl alone. It's terrible being fat and not being a celebrity, let her damn baby grow. No one said she's going to stay that size after the baby. I look just like Jessica Simpson pregnant- it effing sucked and it felt terrible.
|i don't like this photo but it shows my massiveness|
So, beautiful, baby Brady was born. I swelled up more after I had him, so much that the pants I wore to the hospital didn't fit until he was 4 days old. I couldn't bend my knees or sit 'Indian' style. Water loves me.
I was worried about losing the weight since I had a C-section and was not allowed to do any physical activity until Brady was 8 weeks old, might have even been 10 weeks, I can't remember. I was so excited to be cleared to work out, but I never got back into it. My husband deployed when Brady was 3 weeks old so I was in California raising our son, alone. Seriously, alone. The closest relative was 2,500 miles away in Michigan. Needless to say, I didn't have time to work out. Breastfeeding and eating well helped the weight come off. I typically never had dinner and if I did, it was small.
I went back to work when Brady was 14 weeks old. Bring on the burritos and tacos again. I started working out a little bit, but I was still breastfeeding so that was burning a lot of calories.
Brady turned 7 months old the day after Travis came home. I started eating dinner again-it would be weird to cook dinner and not eat it, plus I was hungry. When Brady was 9 months old he got a pretty bad cold, so bad that he couldn't have milk or formula- a week and a half later, he had weaned himself from the boob. Being at daycare most of the day he had a bottle anyways, but I got lazy and stopped pumping when he was sick and he weaned himself. The kid had 8 teeth at that point anyways- it was getting awkward. Yes, I wanted to make it to a year, but the bigger he got and the more teeth he got, it was starting to get awkward, plus he's a wiggle worm. End breastfeeding. Begin weight gain. Eating the same, but not burning 2,000+ calories per day and eating dinner will do it to you.
|that's not a roll haha my dress is poofed|
|Brady's first easter|
|Brady's birthday party. I had bad anxiety being there with everyone looking at me, especially at his baptism|
I don't want comments. I don't want "you look great" blah blah blah. I know you're lying, you know you're lying. Nothing needs to be said. Just think about things before you start judging people. You're the one who says "you look great" or some other stupid comment then you go and text or message someone and talk a bunch of shit. I know you do it, you're not the only one. Whatever makes you feel better. It doesn't make you a better person and it doesn't make you look better.
|road trip. feeling miserable|
We're all grown adults now, consider other peoples' feelings and focus your energy on improving your life.