Day 2: Fears

March 07, 2012
30 Days of Chelsea continued 

 Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears

I always tell myself I don't have fears, but every once in a while I realize that I do. I do not have any fears that will stop me from doing anything. We all have fear of dying, losing our loved ones, children getting sick- normal human fears. I thought outside the box, dug deep into myself and realized my 3 legitimate fears are: 
  • Guns
  • Failure
  • Falling 
You're thinking, "She's married to a Marine, how could she marry the military if she is afraid of guns?" I'm right there with you. 

It's hard to explain. I'm not afraid of Travis or anyone in the military having one, seeing pictures of them doesn't bother me. 

At least once a month for as long as I remember, from childhood through college, I had a reoccurring nightmare, it was the same thing every. single. time. The dream: 
I would be lying in bed at my childhood home and would hear noises outside. I would peek through the blinds of my window that faced Stafford Ave. (note: we lived in a very quiet and peaceful neighborhood) and would see at least 20 guys (i'm assuming) dressed in all black, they were like silhouettes in my yard. It took place in the middle of the night. I could see machine guns and ammo strapped to every one of them, but I couldn't see their faces. They were surrounding my bedroom. They all just stood there, from what I can remember. 
The fear of not knowing what was going to happen, if they were going to shoot, why they were there and if I was going to die, ate me alive. I don't think I ever woke up screaming or told anyone about it, but that dream/nightmare is vivid to this day. I'm creeped out picturing it in my head right now.  

Maybe growing up in the murder mitten (Michigan) and always seeing shootings on the news got to me. People shooting each other over pointless things, watching people beg for their lives and being shot. People being held hostage and not knowing what was going to happen, even if they lived, they were screwed in the head forever. Maybe I feel everyone's pain that I see that happen to. 

I am not anti-guns. I am anti-having guns in the house. Shit happens. They can be put away loaded, by even the most careful owner. Children can find them, even if they are locked up. Children take them to school. People get pissed and resort to stupid violence. Worst of all, my friend drank too much, got into a stupid argument and killed himself. 

People make fun of me for being a military wife and not having a gun in the house, never have shot one or being married to someone who shoots expert. We all have our quirks, enjoy your gun, be smart, leave me out of it. 

Sounds typical or maybe not even a fear, but it's a fear of mine. I'm afraid of failing myself or others. I strive to make people happy and go out of my way. Failure means so many different things to me. How did this fear come about? I can't pinpoint it, but I hate the feeling of not being satisfied, embarrassed or let down. I don't want to let others or myself down. I hate being judged. I find myself bullshitting my way out of things because I'm too afraid I won't do it well. I danced, you can't really eff that up. I didn't play sports for very long. I did well at the ones I played, but I stopped playing softball before high school because they started sliding and fast-pitch- i don't know why that made me nervous back then, but it did- so I focused solely on dancing. 

I used to take big risks, I don't any more. They sound like a good idea until I'm about to do it and then I get anxious and back out. I guess I have a fear of being confident or disappointment. Not sure which word to use. 

I don't mind heights, at all. I mind that while I'm up high I think about what it would be like if I fell. How long would I be falling. In my mind, I would have sooo much time to consider all of the bad things that were going to happen once I hit the ground. It doesn't stop me from doing anything that requires being up high. Flying doesn't bother me.

I don't know where this came from. I don't think it's too far out in left field. I just don't want to fall. It would hurt. 

Day 1: 20 random facts


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